Who is it that has the drink problem in Scotland?

During the course of this week, two pieces of government spin emerged from the bowels [or should that be kidneys?] of Victoria Quay.

Statistics released today [26th June] by NHS National Services Scotland show that in 2011-12, 97,830 ‘Alcohol Brief Interventions’ (ABIs) were carried out – 60 per cent above the target of 61,081 interventions - and that every health board exceeded its target.  This is a marked increase from 2010-11 when over 88,000 ABIs were delivered.Alcohol Brief Interventions are used for patients in the NHS when it is clear they may be drinking above sensible guidelines and alcohol may be a factor in their ill-health.  ABIs typically take the form of a short discussion with a health professional to talk about their drinking, the benefits of cutting down and, if necessary, further advice or support.

Nothing like a bit of government health jargon to get you scratching your head and reaching for a refill to your pint or your wine glass.

Why the clunky grammar of 'Alcohol Brief Interventions' ?  Who really speaks like that ?
Why was there a target of 61,080 and 1 ?  Who did they have in mind for that 1 ?  Are our health civil servants so on top of things that they can set targets with that degree of refinement ?  They must know exactly how much we drink, what street we live on, and how we voted in the last election.  They probably do know just how many angels can be made to dance on the head of a pin.  Spooky stuff. 
Why 'brief'
Does the 'intervention' take place in the pub?
It doesn't mention anything about 'safe' interventions ?  Can you get pregnant as a result or even contract sexually transmitted diseases [or diseases of the willie, as Billy Connolly used to say]?  
Will the health professional respect me in the morning after ?
Will the same health professional provide me with a 'morning after' pill ?
Or will it have to be a different health professional ?

So many questions, so many decisions.  It makes you reach for the glass ....

And that is before you realise that almost 100,000 people received grammatically incorrect and condom-less interventions from a health professional - and we haven't a clue what the effect was.  Not a clue.  Check the press release yourself.  What you will find is that the Cabinet Secretary is chuffed to share that our government has spent £196 million since 2008 on tackling alcohol problems - and not a sniff of a data set which says X number of people have reduced their intake as a result or that our NHS is now saving £Y million a year as a result.  Something tells me that the NHS in Scotland has got a spending problem to match the  booze problem in Scotland - it pisses away almost £200 million in 4 years and can't tell us what difference, if any, it has made.

The day before, our glorious leaders issued yet another orgasmic press release on how Scotland was tackling its other problem that dare not speak its name - sectarianism.  Six communities in Scotland [none of them in Morningside or Bearsden, oh no, they don't do sectarianism in suburbia] are to share from a funding pot of £230,000.  So, on average we have been spending £50 million a year on tackling problem drinking.  On tackling bigotry, sectarianism, religious discrimination, and religious hate crime, we will spend less than 1/200th of that.

Next time you are on a night out, celebrating the simple reality that you are still in paid work that achieves things which can be measured and which makes other people's lives better, when you get to the end, pre-kebab, stage and you are having a woozy wee in the toilets, or even behind a bush on the way home, and trying to keep your shoes dry, just remember that you are doing on a very small scale what the government health minister has been doing for the last 4 years, but with her having a much bigger kitty.